Sunday, June 07, 2009
Why Mowing Grass Is Stupid and Un-American
Tags: off-topic, opinion View Comments In this essay I shall discuss the reasons why the cult of the manicured lawn, or as I call it, Lawn Nazism, is both stupid and un-American. Let us begin by examining the various characteristics of this vicious, psychotic folly. What is Lawn Nazism? It is an attempt to enforce a near-sterile conformity upon nature. Because nature abhors conformity, this attempt becomes an epic struggle with all the characteristics of modern warfare. Yet its ideals are rooted in a centuries-old history of corrupt, discredited medieval philosophy.
Lawn Nazism seeks to cover all non-paved ground surfaces in a monoculture of grass clipped to exactingly specific height. All competing life forms are destroyed by chemical or mechanical means. In order to accomplish this, machines of war known as lawn mowers, chemical spreaders and sprayers are used. Pesticides, herbicides, and chemical fertilizers are liberally applied in a deadly cocktail which poisons pets, children, and wildlife, and which contaminates ground water and streams, rivers and lakes. These toxins migrate through the food chain and end up lodged in our vital organs, causing cancer and other diseases.
This is the first reason why Lawn Nazism is stupid and un-American. We are literally poisoning our environment, ourselves and our children. The scale of it is much larger than the terrorist attacks of 9-11, but we don’t think of it as terrorism. It is terrorism in its most insidious form, operating amongst us undetected and unhindered.
A staggering quantity of gasoline and oil is wasted on the fruitless activity of mowing grass. This contributes to our energy dependency problem and global political instability. Also, the combustion of this petroleum produces pollution per unit far in excess even of that generated by automobiles. This lowers air quality and contributes to global warming. Insomuch as most of our nation’s wars involve petroleum, it contributes to global conflict. These are also reasons why Lawn Nazism is stupid and un-American.
An astounding quantity of water, most of it potable, is wasted on the cultivation and maintenance of manicured grass. Most of the world’s inhabitants face real shortages of potable water, but we squander it on frivolities such as short green grass. Much of this water comes from non-renewable deep aquifers which face rapid depletion. When these aquifers are exhausted our country will suffer for it. Many communities will become uninhabitable. This is another reason why Lawn Nazism is stupid and un-American.
Americans spend an inordinate amount of time in the prosecution of the Lawn Nazi agenda. This time is at best wasted. You could see a movie, read a book, go for a walk, or make love in the time wasted on this destructive folly. Time is a non-renewable resource. Time wasted can never be recovered. This is yet another reason why Lawn Nazism is stupid and un-American.
There are numerous other reasons, but let us turn our attention to the unsavory history of the Lawn Nazi ideology. To understand it is to understand more fully just how stupid and un-American this ideology is at its very core. Let us examine the medieval European ideology of the divine right of kings and aristocrats to rule and own property. This system is called feudalism, and it is a society organized on the premise that kings and aristocrats are granted the privilege to rule and own property by a God. This rule is arbitrary and absolute. All lands and means of production are owned exclusively by the king and his favored aristocrats. Everyone else, the vast majority of the populace, is a serf bound to serve an aristocratic lord in what amounts to slavery. Serfs keep enough of the fruits of their labor to barely survive; the king and aristocrats get everything else. When harvests are lean the serfs starve. Rights are practically nonexistent and punishment for any real or perceived offense is severe or may bring execution. This system lasts for hundreds of years.
The industrial revolution changes all that. Mechanical means of production bring new efficiencies, create a market revolution and a demand for labor in the cities. At the same time, textile factories create a demand for raw materials in the form of wool. Wool becomes a profitable agricultural product, more profitable than the products grown by serfs. Consequently, aristocratic land owners begin to remove the serfs from their lands and replace them with herds of sheep. To survive, the serfs migrate to the city to participate in the developing labor market. These serfs form the ranks of the urban poor, many of whom eventually leave to colonize North America in search of a better life.
What does this have to do with Lawn Nazism? The wealthy land-owning aristocrats of Europe own sheep, which graze the grass down to a very short, even height. When the colonists accumulate property in the New World, they want to have the trappings of the wealthy folk of the Old World. Short-clipped grass lawns without crops.
Of course, the American Revolution is founded upon Enlightenment ideals of liberty and equality – in direct opposition to the ideals of aristocratic Europe. But the colonists still wanted the trappings of success, just as we do today. The short-clipped manicured grass of Lawn Nazism is a direct throwback to post-feudal Europe. It stands for a corrupt and discredited system of oppression. It is anti-American. Furthermore, when you mow grass, you are in fact imitating the grazing action of sheep. This is absurd, and frankly just stupid. You are imitating an unintelligent herd animal, which goes against American ideals of individualism and ingenuity.
To conclude, I hope that you now understand fully just how stupid and un-American it is to be a lawn-mowing, chemical-spreading lawn Nazi. Thank you and God bless.
Lawn Nazism seeks to cover all non-paved ground surfaces in a monoculture of grass clipped to exactingly specific height. All competing life forms are destroyed by chemical or mechanical means. In order to accomplish this, machines of war known as lawn mowers, chemical spreaders and sprayers are used. Pesticides, herbicides, and chemical fertilizers are liberally applied in a deadly cocktail which poisons pets, children, and wildlife, and which contaminates ground water and streams, rivers and lakes. These toxins migrate through the food chain and end up lodged in our vital organs, causing cancer and other diseases.
This is the first reason why Lawn Nazism is stupid and un-American. We are literally poisoning our environment, ourselves and our children. The scale of it is much larger than the terrorist attacks of 9-11, but we don’t think of it as terrorism. It is terrorism in its most insidious form, operating amongst us undetected and unhindered.
A staggering quantity of gasoline and oil is wasted on the fruitless activity of mowing grass. This contributes to our energy dependency problem and global political instability. Also, the combustion of this petroleum produces pollution per unit far in excess even of that generated by automobiles. This lowers air quality and contributes to global warming. Insomuch as most of our nation’s wars involve petroleum, it contributes to global conflict. These are also reasons why Lawn Nazism is stupid and un-American.
An astounding quantity of water, most of it potable, is wasted on the cultivation and maintenance of manicured grass. Most of the world’s inhabitants face real shortages of potable water, but we squander it on frivolities such as short green grass. Much of this water comes from non-renewable deep aquifers which face rapid depletion. When these aquifers are exhausted our country will suffer for it. Many communities will become uninhabitable. This is another reason why Lawn Nazism is stupid and un-American.
Americans spend an inordinate amount of time in the prosecution of the Lawn Nazi agenda. This time is at best wasted. You could see a movie, read a book, go for a walk, or make love in the time wasted on this destructive folly. Time is a non-renewable resource. Time wasted can never be recovered. This is yet another reason why Lawn Nazism is stupid and un-American.
There are numerous other reasons, but let us turn our attention to the unsavory history of the Lawn Nazi ideology. To understand it is to understand more fully just how stupid and un-American this ideology is at its very core. Let us examine the medieval European ideology of the divine right of kings and aristocrats to rule and own property. This system is called feudalism, and it is a society organized on the premise that kings and aristocrats are granted the privilege to rule and own property by a God. This rule is arbitrary and absolute. All lands and means of production are owned exclusively by the king and his favored aristocrats. Everyone else, the vast majority of the populace, is a serf bound to serve an aristocratic lord in what amounts to slavery. Serfs keep enough of the fruits of their labor to barely survive; the king and aristocrats get everything else. When harvests are lean the serfs starve. Rights are practically nonexistent and punishment for any real or perceived offense is severe or may bring execution. This system lasts for hundreds of years.
The industrial revolution changes all that. Mechanical means of production bring new efficiencies, create a market revolution and a demand for labor in the cities. At the same time, textile factories create a demand for raw materials in the form of wool. Wool becomes a profitable agricultural product, more profitable than the products grown by serfs. Consequently, aristocratic land owners begin to remove the serfs from their lands and replace them with herds of sheep. To survive, the serfs migrate to the city to participate in the developing labor market. These serfs form the ranks of the urban poor, many of whom eventually leave to colonize North America in search of a better life.
What does this have to do with Lawn Nazism? The wealthy land-owning aristocrats of Europe own sheep, which graze the grass down to a very short, even height. When the colonists accumulate property in the New World, they want to have the trappings of the wealthy folk of the Old World. Short-clipped grass lawns without crops.
Of course, the American Revolution is founded upon Enlightenment ideals of liberty and equality – in direct opposition to the ideals of aristocratic Europe. But the colonists still wanted the trappings of success, just as we do today. The short-clipped manicured grass of Lawn Nazism is a direct throwback to post-feudal Europe. It stands for a corrupt and discredited system of oppression. It is anti-American. Furthermore, when you mow grass, you are in fact imitating the grazing action of sheep. This is absurd, and frankly just stupid. You are imitating an unintelligent herd animal, which goes against American ideals of individualism and ingenuity.
To conclude, I hope that you now understand fully just how stupid and un-American it is to be a lawn-mowing, chemical-spreading lawn Nazi. Thank you and God bless.
